A few weeks Bob and Tina had an argument, and Bob said some nasty things to Tina such as she does not have a life and has no friends.
Now a few weeks down the line Tina has made plans with her friends do girly things and after there last break up, Bob took Tina to lunch to try and make up and when she told him, he had nothing to say.
Then to go to the pub when Tina is sick and leave her at home and say he is going for one and come home at 11pm after 6 pints pissed saying "I don't know how that happened"
Sunday 21 July 2019
Processing Grief
Tina was known by all her friends as the positive one who always smiled and was upbeat, but of late Tina did not feel like that at all. All Tina ever wanted was love and to be accepted but unfortunately, as a child was never really shown a true healthy example of how a functional balanced happy relationship works, which meant that she attracted that later on in her adult years and was now in a situation where she found herself three years into a relationship that was very toxic and unhealthy.
A year ago she moved back in after a six-month separation and knew full well this was a recipe for disaster but went ahead regardless, well due to several circumstances found herself in a situation where first of all Bob begged her to come back. If Tina looks back what has really changed? Bob's routine was going to the local pub after work and used to text Tina saying......PUB, so basically if Tina wanted to spend time with Bob she would have to go to the pub and spend time with him even though she didn't really enjoy it.
Bob is not a healthy eater, where Tina is and enjoys healthy good fresh food. Bob is quite happy to munch on takeaways most days and then have a kebab around 9.30pm after he had his 4 pints. This was Bobs regular routine 5 or 6 out of 7 nights a week. If Tina made dinner, she would eat on her own and leave his food in the microwave.
Tina lives in Bob's house and Bob does not care at all about maintenance, housework, cleaning or washing so Tina started to feel like the maid and that she was being taken for granted.
Once Tina stopped killing herself to keep the house tidy, clean and up to date, it made her feel like she was giving up as she did not feel appreciated. When Tina did any shopping Bob never acknowledged it or said thank you or showed any appreciation.
When Tina would try and call Bob on his mobile his excuse was "my battery died" and he would call on the way to see how much trouble he was in and if Tina was not nice then the verbal abuse would start and he would say things to make her feel guilty.
The main issue is that there was no communication between them at all, whenever Tina did try and communicate she got shot down and told: "don't bring up the past" which happened to be a conversation or comment from the previous day.
A year ago she moved back in after a six-month separation and knew full well this was a recipe for disaster but went ahead regardless, well due to several circumstances found herself in a situation where first of all Bob begged her to come back. If Tina looks back what has really changed? Bob's routine was going to the local pub after work and used to text Tina saying......PUB, so basically if Tina wanted to spend time with Bob she would have to go to the pub and spend time with him even though she didn't really enjoy it.
Bob is not a healthy eater, where Tina is and enjoys healthy good fresh food. Bob is quite happy to munch on takeaways most days and then have a kebab around 9.30pm after he had his 4 pints. This was Bobs regular routine 5 or 6 out of 7 nights a week. If Tina made dinner, she would eat on her own and leave his food in the microwave.
Tina lives in Bob's house and Bob does not care at all about maintenance, housework, cleaning or washing so Tina started to feel like the maid and that she was being taken for granted.
Once Tina stopped killing herself to keep the house tidy, clean and up to date, it made her feel like she was giving up as she did not feel appreciated. When Tina did any shopping Bob never acknowledged it or said thank you or showed any appreciation.
When Tina would try and call Bob on his mobile his excuse was "my battery died" and he would call on the way to see how much trouble he was in and if Tina was not nice then the verbal abuse would start and he would say things to make her feel guilty.
The main issue is that there was no communication between them at all, whenever Tina did try and communicate she got shot down and told: "don't bring up the past" which happened to be a conversation or comment from the previous day.
Greetings
Have you ever experienced news of a friend or family member landing up in a position where you feel guilty because you never said.....Hello or Goodbye and could of?
I have a friend called Tina, she lived with her boyfriend, Bob, in his house. One afternoon she was reading a book called "Too good to leave too bad to stay" Tina had this book in her collection for years and believed that a book will only be read when it is ready to be read by the reader. Today was that day. It was not long before Tina was crying as for 18 months she had been in a relationship and was never really happy but it was "too good to leave and bad to stay" everyday Tina would go through the motions of the pro and con list and some days were better than others but deep down she was not happy.
Tina suddenly felt hungry and went to the kitchen to make herself something to eat, as she opened the fridge she thought to herself "I better not eat all the meatballs, I'll leave half for him as he might be hungry for a snack later" Tina then switched the kettle of glanced over the sink where some dishes from the morning had been soaking. The strategy was while the kettle is boiling, do the dishes. Bob had popped in to use the toilet and check the post. While Tina was washing the dishes, all she kept thinking about was, "Am I being selfish by not offering to make him a sandwich?" Once the kettle had boiled Tina made herself a sandwich and took her tea and went back upstairs to carry on reading her book.
Bob then dashed downstairs and then said, "I'm off" and Tina was "ok bye" - Tina then found herself typing a text message saying..." its sad that you come home and don't kiss me hello or goodbye anymore....before you bark at me, I know you are busy working" -
Then Tina thought to herself, oh what is the point if I send that I will be called insecure and his not emotionally intelligent to deal with this and his probably going "I have to work while she is in bed reading" well guess what I am on holiday on leave and it is not my problem you are always feeling like the victim.
I have a friend called Tina, she lived with her boyfriend, Bob, in his house. One afternoon she was reading a book called "Too good to leave too bad to stay" Tina had this book in her collection for years and believed that a book will only be read when it is ready to be read by the reader. Today was that day. It was not long before Tina was crying as for 18 months she had been in a relationship and was never really happy but it was "too good to leave and bad to stay" everyday Tina would go through the motions of the pro and con list and some days were better than others but deep down she was not happy.
Tina suddenly felt hungry and went to the kitchen to make herself something to eat, as she opened the fridge she thought to herself "I better not eat all the meatballs, I'll leave half for him as he might be hungry for a snack later" Tina then switched the kettle of glanced over the sink where some dishes from the morning had been soaking. The strategy was while the kettle is boiling, do the dishes. Bob had popped in to use the toilet and check the post. While Tina was washing the dishes, all she kept thinking about was, "Am I being selfish by not offering to make him a sandwich?" Once the kettle had boiled Tina made herself a sandwich and took her tea and went back upstairs to carry on reading her book.
Bob then dashed downstairs and then said, "I'm off" and Tina was "ok bye" - Tina then found herself typing a text message saying..." its sad that you come home and don't kiss me hello or goodbye anymore....before you bark at me, I know you are busy working" -
Then Tina thought to herself, oh what is the point if I send that I will be called insecure and his not emotionally intelligent to deal with this and his probably going "I have to work while she is in bed reading" well guess what I am on holiday on leave and it is not my problem you are always feeling like the victim.
Lessons from the universe....
Sometimes in life when you do not listen and do not pay attention to the signs, the universe has a way of shouting it out you loud and clear..........this is one of these moments where Tina had to experience this!
Today was a big day for Tina as she had to attend day 1 of 3 of her drink driving rehabilitation course. One of the biggest questions that really made Tina think was "how had the decision of you choosing to drink the day you got arrested affected your life"
It has been nine month since Tina lost her license and it has been a rather painful, expensive lesson but the on the positive side of this it has given her the opportunity to really look from the outside in. Bob has been through it and went through this 8 years ago, however, Bob still regularly drinks and drives. The night Tina was arrested she was down at their local on a Friday but a lot of emotions from both sides bubbling under the surface due to a lack of communication in the relationship which only made it more toxic. Tina was not getting the love and attention she needed so she would get it in small doses in a very unhealthy way. The underlying anger would up out after a few drinks and she would then turn to whoever would listen to feel supported and get the attention she so craved.
Tina was so unhappy that any sign of excitement would get her attention and out of desperation and added substance of drinking had a massive effect on the emotions. The suggestion was to "go up to the City" where the action was, so Tina decided "she was ok to drive" once they got to the city the cocktails were flowing but what Tina also realised was that she was actually trying to num the emotional pain and block out having to deal with negative feelings.
Today was a big day for Tina as she had to attend day 1 of 3 of her drink driving rehabilitation course. One of the biggest questions that really made Tina think was "how had the decision of you choosing to drink the day you got arrested affected your life"
It has been nine month since Tina lost her license and it has been a rather painful, expensive lesson but the on the positive side of this it has given her the opportunity to really look from the outside in. Bob has been through it and went through this 8 years ago, however, Bob still regularly drinks and drives. The night Tina was arrested she was down at their local on a Friday but a lot of emotions from both sides bubbling under the surface due to a lack of communication in the relationship which only made it more toxic. Tina was not getting the love and attention she needed so she would get it in small doses in a very unhealthy way. The underlying anger would up out after a few drinks and she would then turn to whoever would listen to feel supported and get the attention she so craved.
Tina was so unhappy that any sign of excitement would get her attention and out of desperation and added substance of drinking had a massive effect on the emotions. The suggestion was to "go up to the City" where the action was, so Tina decided "she was ok to drive" once they got to the city the cocktails were flowing but what Tina also realised was that she was actually trying to num the emotional pain and block out having to deal with negative feelings.
27 years ago
Today is 27 years ago my Dad died - wow I am really trying to get my head around that. I wonder what advice my Dad would give me. Well let me try and guess. To continue the path I've been on and kick drinking and smoking in the butt. I have 2 glasses of wine and 1 cigarette yesterday for the 1st time in a week and I did not enjoy it and feel awful. It is putting poison in my body so no more of that. I am rather angry at myself for being weak but also need be proud of myself for being so strong this week. I am feeling very frustrated but also know that if I make some first decisions it will change the course of my direction too. I so much want to get into the swing of happiness and togetherness, I can feel rather down and find it hard to find the energy to get excited. I need to identify what is causing that?
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