I am still studing the feeling within me as I am at peace. It has been 8 months since I spoke to Greg and while wrapping the Xmas presents the past memories were flowing as there are many occasions and times I will catch myself doing something and thinking back of when we were together and how certain situations got out of hand or just going over good memories. I suppose I was just reflecting on my growth as I remember one xmas we had a huge disagreement about me spending £200 on presents and just shopping on my own in my own zone!
It is weird how one looks back to analize what was going on at that stage in your life and how and why you behaved the way you did. I know we as humans all have weaknesses and I am starting to slowly understand how easy one can get attached to something for false comfort. As many know I used money, call it an addition, obsession, comfort zone what ever......I think the lesson for me is that having it all makes one lazy, at least that is what I found you do not have to constant challenge yourself to think ok how can I use this wisely and making the most of what you have in stead of just having it. The word that springs to mind is MEANING....how many times have you recieved a gift for an occasion and you just know when that person has not put much effort into it, it was just for the sake!
Going down to a deeper level is I for some reason needed to feel "recongised" or accepted and I do honestly love giving and that is one of my love languages but one cannot buy love. I am trying different tackicks and am getting use to the idea of putting myself first, well from a psycological point the realationship always make me believe I was shelfish, or rather I was told that enough times to believe it, when everyone else around dissagreeed. I found myself going to Next after the bank as I wanted to see if the top I bought previous was still there and in a different colour as it is not often I buy a piece of clothing and you fall in love with it and think I should have bought 2 or 3, for some reason on that morning I was more focus and concerned about furfilling my own needs whereas in the past I would be more focus on pleasing others and getting the xmas shopping done first.
Now I am sure many other woman can relate to this going underwear shopping can be a mission (especially the trying on bit) for me I have to be in the mood! I browse can my eyes can scan the texture and quality and my intution will say YES that bra looks like it will do the trick!! Now this does NOT happen often so when it does I know just get it! So I had the delema of saying OK I have Debenhams vouchers and my intention was to save them for underwear but when I walked into Next number 2 to look for that top they had changed the layout of the shop and there they were these sexy sets of bra's and g strings saying .......try me!! So I always believe if they have my size they were meant to be....so yes rare again to find the great style, quality, colour and size at this point I thought ok Lee could do with a set after all she does not have a very creative man in her life that would make her feel special and treat her to a sexy set of underwear, and it was so strange that we were sitting in the lounge the other day and for some odd reason I just bluttered out - Madam what is your bra size and Alec's face look at me in shock and said that was rather random! So obviously my psyic abilities are there I just need to master them.
Anyway getting back to detachment well it is with money and I spoke to Greg just to say Merry Xmas and I am trying to find the words to describe how it feels, but it does not feel if that makes any senses. That attachement feeling is just not there anymore and what is even more surprising is I really look back at the whole situation and feel a sense of relief and peace! I suppose I was still thinking allot before we spoke and was wondering how he was feeling and was not to sure how I was feeling, except that I realise that all I miss is being with someone at times but not with him and I get so much love, peace and more from all friends and family and the occasional waiter! Somehow my angels make sure I have destractions. I think what I have grown attach to and something Greg and I agreed on was our new peaceful lives which were consistant! As while we were together nothing but consitant emotion and mental chaos!
I have been pretty consitant as I have not moved home or jobs in the past 2 years but I have grown, mattured spirtually and about to embark on a move out my comfort zone of the rat race! I just need to be stimulated and need a challenge and change of scenry.
Am really looking forward to winter wonderland and to see my dear friends Nadine, Christine and JeanMarie as well Eddette & Frants!
Thursday 25 December 2008
Friends & Family
How grateful I am to have firstly my family and the most amazing friends as being Xmas is a special time to celebrate together. Well it is the first year that I really put planning on the back seat, firstly I worked right up to 24th with serious senior management strategies for 2009 I did not really have time to think of much more!
Woke up at my leisure on Wednesday 24th December, all I HAD to do was go to the bank as I had £100 in "bankspace" as I had deposited it via the ATM on the 15th and the money was still not showing. As a part of me was dreading the hectic last minute shoppers I was rather surprised as I felt rather calm driving into town and being blessed by the parking fairies to escort me to a bay right outside the front door of the bank and an extra bonus was I parked in the pink zone, which is 25p a hour so got my Xmas discount bonus from the fairies to.
I approached the "enquires" desk and smiled and explained my situation and handed over my deposit slip the assistant ran off to the "accounts" department to confirm they had in fact found my money. With other banks one normally gets a receipt from the ATM to pop into the envelope with your deposit but this one prints your details on the envelope. Thinking back now I think I slid the envelope into the slot "up side down" perhaps that could be the reason it did not print? I thanked the assistant and pointed out to her my concern that it was in fact a bank error and what was I to expect with the charges for going over my limit which is the reason I had attempted a deposit in the first place. She looked up at me chewing what appeared to be a quick bite she grabbed while running off to the accounts dept of her lunch which whiffed of "beakcorn bites" how unprofessional. She tried assuring me that it will be taken care of however only head office deal with queries. Her hand disappeared under desk and out it came with a compliment slip which she started scribbling on trying to repeat the whole story I had just explained, I asked why she could not just put a note on my account, she replied yes I will. I thought well I better shut up as I am clearly not dealing with someone who uses common sense. What do you think will happen with a compliment slip on Christmas eve? Oh she said one last thing just keep an eye out on your account in case they charge you!! I thought what is the point. Sometimes I think I should write a idiot's guide of customer service!
Lets get back to Xmas shopping well I went over to the local centre near where I lived and was able to go to Tescos, Boots and Clinton's and get a few things and leave with more bags than excepted but spend very little! Got home to do the wrapping on 1 bottle of bubble bath at time etc.......
We had Xmas at Lee's house, my brothers wife and Mom was there as she had to pick Donny my bro up as his car was kapoot! Alec, my nephew was bathing Jojo the playful kings Charles cavalier, the joy of our lives always happy to see you what ever the weather is doing! We were all clock watching and anxiously waiting for midnight to open our gifts.........we filled our tummies with pork sausages, home made peanut sauce and chicken and all sorts of little breads and cheeses and then huddled around the television to watch Narnia what a great movie then the clock struck twelve and Jojo suddenly knew then was excitement in the air and was overwhelmed by all the enthusiasm in the room as her name was called and began scratching and chewing and battling her way thought the wrapping. It was really great the moment of just watching the expression on everyone faces with appreciation and enjoyment of just being together. The sounds of laughter and banter amongst all is so homely.
Woke up at my leisure on Wednesday 24th December, all I HAD to do was go to the bank as I had £100 in "bankspace" as I had deposited it via the ATM on the 15th and the money was still not showing. As a part of me was dreading the hectic last minute shoppers I was rather surprised as I felt rather calm driving into town and being blessed by the parking fairies to escort me to a bay right outside the front door of the bank and an extra bonus was I parked in the pink zone, which is 25p a hour so got my Xmas discount bonus from the fairies to.
I approached the "enquires" desk and smiled and explained my situation and handed over my deposit slip the assistant ran off to the "accounts" department to confirm they had in fact found my money. With other banks one normally gets a receipt from the ATM to pop into the envelope with your deposit but this one prints your details on the envelope. Thinking back now I think I slid the envelope into the slot "up side down" perhaps that could be the reason it did not print? I thanked the assistant and pointed out to her my concern that it was in fact a bank error and what was I to expect with the charges for going over my limit which is the reason I had attempted a deposit in the first place. She looked up at me chewing what appeared to be a quick bite she grabbed while running off to the accounts dept of her lunch which whiffed of "beakcorn bites" how unprofessional. She tried assuring me that it will be taken care of however only head office deal with queries. Her hand disappeared under desk and out it came with a compliment slip which she started scribbling on trying to repeat the whole story I had just explained, I asked why she could not just put a note on my account, she replied yes I will. I thought well I better shut up as I am clearly not dealing with someone who uses common sense. What do you think will happen with a compliment slip on Christmas eve? Oh she said one last thing just keep an eye out on your account in case they charge you!! I thought what is the point. Sometimes I think I should write a idiot's guide of customer service!
Lets get back to Xmas shopping well I went over to the local centre near where I lived and was able to go to Tescos, Boots and Clinton's and get a few things and leave with more bags than excepted but spend very little! Got home to do the wrapping on 1 bottle of bubble bath at time etc.......
We had Xmas at Lee's house, my brothers wife and Mom was there as she had to pick Donny my bro up as his car was kapoot! Alec, my nephew was bathing Jojo the playful kings Charles cavalier, the joy of our lives always happy to see you what ever the weather is doing! We were all clock watching and anxiously waiting for midnight to open our gifts.........we filled our tummies with pork sausages, home made peanut sauce and chicken and all sorts of little breads and cheeses and then huddled around the television to watch Narnia what a great movie then the clock struck twelve and Jojo suddenly knew then was excitement in the air and was overwhelmed by all the enthusiasm in the room as her name was called and began scratching and chewing and battling her way thought the wrapping. It was really great the moment of just watching the expression on everyone faces with appreciation and enjoyment of just being together. The sounds of laughter and banter amongst all is so homely.
Sunday 21 December 2008
Gratitude!
I am so grateful for my life! Even more so now that I know it can be a matter of weeks and I will be on a ship fulfilling my dream to travel! Most mornings I awake with the feeling of my 100% cotton sheets and down duvet and thank the lord for the fact I can have a warm shower and hot filtered coffee and eat what I feel like and really appreciate the freedom I have with my time after all I am my own boss in every way personally and professionally. Now that I have about 15 CV's applications in cyber space and over the oceans......the anxiety is starting to kick in.
So today I was excited about getting the 8 new Zealand chops out the freezer and made a delicious lunch and spent time with my family. So strange my Mom takes 7 years to decide to finally come and stay in the UK and next thing I am planning to travel!
I am a lady of comfort so I am wondering how I will deal with certain aspects of life on board....when I got home last night after being treated to a grand dinner at La Tasca with my family and had wine, champagne and shots.....got home feeling tired and tipsy and thought how I am going to deal with permanent partying at the crew bar!! Well what I know for sure is it will not kill me and the mind has strange way of inventing things that when they occur are never as bad. That has helped me to take the challenge of giving up a well paid career and joining the ship world!
Took a SHIP TEST online ....got 50% so need to brush up on the terminology but if I could go to college for one year every weekend and hold down a full time job, move home, leave my ex and do case studies and exams over Xmas and new year then hell anything is possible.
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is NOT SPENDING WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE! I am very blessed to have the friends I do that are assisting me manage my financial portfolio, I think this will be one of the most challenging Xmas's I will ever have but know I have my guardian angels looking over me and I know my prayers will be answered which I will share with you once I know more.
My mom got me the coolest B'Day pressie, it is a laptop portable table which is from the famous IKEA and now it goes with me everywhere.
It is credit crunch.....but hey it is not going to stop me jumping ship!! LOL
So today I was excited about getting the 8 new Zealand chops out the freezer and made a delicious lunch and spent time with my family. So strange my Mom takes 7 years to decide to finally come and stay in the UK and next thing I am planning to travel!
I am a lady of comfort so I am wondering how I will deal with certain aspects of life on board....when I got home last night after being treated to a grand dinner at La Tasca with my family and had wine, champagne and shots.....got home feeling tired and tipsy and thought how I am going to deal with permanent partying at the crew bar!! Well what I know for sure is it will not kill me and the mind has strange way of inventing things that when they occur are never as bad. That has helped me to take the challenge of giving up a well paid career and joining the ship world!
Took a SHIP TEST online ....got 50% so need to brush up on the terminology but if I could go to college for one year every weekend and hold down a full time job, move home, leave my ex and do case studies and exams over Xmas and new year then hell anything is possible.
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is NOT SPENDING WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE! I am very blessed to have the friends I do that are assisting me manage my financial portfolio, I think this will be one of the most challenging Xmas's I will ever have but know I have my guardian angels looking over me and I know my prayers will be answered which I will share with you once I know more.
My mom got me the coolest B'Day pressie, it is a laptop portable table which is from the famous IKEA and now it goes with me everywhere.
It is credit crunch.....but hey it is not going to stop me jumping ship!! LOL
Saturday 20 December 2008
Excitment of Xmas holidays!
It is a chilly Saturday afternoon and I've decided to take time out for myself. Just some time to reflect on all the things I am grateful for, like having my family here as I know soon I will be away from them for a number of months. My special friends, I am thinking about joining friends in Wimbledon on boxing day. Great food, conversation, enjoyment and laughter is what we all need for the our souls!!
Last weekend Lee (my sister in law) and I were hosting a stand at the Holistic Fayre in Leighton Buzzard and we had a great day. Met an amazing lady Ann O'Have who is 75 but looks 56 I gave her a neck massage and she gave me some healing. I knelt down in from of her and she put her hands over my shoulders and her hands started shacking me, appartently the spiritual guides works through her. The only way I can explain it was that the negative energy was been rattled out of me. After a couple of minutes her hands got really warm and it felt like I was rushing on ecstasy! Afterwards Ann said she had heard that expression many times. She also confirmed that my guardian angel is the top chief red indian.
It is so weird as I have always been drawn to their spiritual beliefs. I once saw a film, cannot remember the name but Anthony Hopkins and Indians were in it they were stranded somewhere in the mountains........that is the day I knew they were my guardian angels.
A little later I was chatting away to Phil one the mediums and said "how do I really know you are a medium and how does it work" so he asked me what I was really passionate about...I paused and said "massage" then he asked to name the first name that pops into my head, a country he said, then held my hand I said Kenya......then he rattled off for about 2 minutes describing me to the T. Lee was standing next to me, and was trying to hold her jaw from failing on the floor! He said things that no stranger would know....like the challenges I was and am facing with my Mom, he confirm like others have in the past that I have physic abilities and my guardian angel was standing on my right, very old very deep dark eyes! Well that was me done in tears felt so happy!
Last weekend Lee (my sister in law) and I were hosting a stand at the Holistic Fayre in Leighton Buzzard and we had a great day. Met an amazing lady Ann O'Have who is 75 but looks 56 I gave her a neck massage and she gave me some healing. I knelt down in from of her and she put her hands over my shoulders and her hands started shacking me, appartently the spiritual guides works through her. The only way I can explain it was that the negative energy was been rattled out of me. After a couple of minutes her hands got really warm and it felt like I was rushing on ecstasy! Afterwards Ann said she had heard that expression many times. She also confirmed that my guardian angel is the top chief red indian.
It is so weird as I have always been drawn to their spiritual beliefs. I once saw a film, cannot remember the name but Anthony Hopkins and Indians were in it they were stranded somewhere in the mountains........that is the day I knew they were my guardian angels.
A little later I was chatting away to Phil one the mediums and said "how do I really know you are a medium and how does it work" so he asked me what I was really passionate about...I paused and said "massage" then he asked to name the first name that pops into my head, a country he said, then held my hand I said Kenya......then he rattled off for about 2 minutes describing me to the T. Lee was standing next to me, and was trying to hold her jaw from failing on the floor! He said things that no stranger would know....like the challenges I was and am facing with my Mom, he confirm like others have in the past that I have physic abilities and my guardian angel was standing on my right, very old very deep dark eyes! Well that was me done in tears felt so happy!
Friday 12 December 2008
Full Moon ~ energy!
Well as the full moon approaches I can't sleep.....am feeling very excited as I sent off my CV recorded mail to US for my dream job on a cruise liner in the "shore excursions" dept and have 4 more to go tomorrow. I am a little nervous about my new venture but it is long overdue, I started doing research in October 2007 but found that I was not in the right emotional place. I felt as if I was running away but I am not I am about to "get out of my comfort zone" and follow a dream I have always had! So I will follow up my CV in a weeks time and keep you posted! Going to see Peter Pan for my Birthday really looking forward to that.
Tuesday 2 December 2008
The day I took action!
There are days when one feels like you have reached a cross road. Left, right, back, forward and the thoughts and feelings that follows. A short version would be indecision, ever been there, can you relate?
Having a positive outlook on life, forward, would normally be the direction I choose, however we are tempted to go left sometimes right and draw from the back (the past). Well the great thing about today is that I have always thought about writing, I am taking action.
All these thoughts have been in my head for way to long, and have been guided to do this. Now this may sound off the wall but as we go chapter by chapter it will all start to make sense. I am "tuned in", now some of you may be thinking what does "tuned in" mean, well my expression is based on experience. When you really get to discover who you are, and get to know yourself really well. To such a degree that you can watch yourself from a distance and almost predict what will be the next move.
I am 31 the prime of my life, or so I think. After all there is no time like the present. I am finding it awfully challenging to move myself from my comfort zone into what I know will be the most exciting journey of my life. I am currently "stuck" in a career and feel some days like I wake up on the same day every day. Does anyone out there feel like this?
So here is the plan, I am going to land the most awesome exciting job as an offshore excursions manager on a cruise linear doing the Caribbean islands. My instinct has always led me to believe this. So I have put my intention into the universe and will keep you posted.
Having a positive outlook on life, forward, would normally be the direction I choose, however we are tempted to go left sometimes right and draw from the back (the past). Well the great thing about today is that I have always thought about writing, I am taking action.
All these thoughts have been in my head for way to long, and have been guided to do this. Now this may sound off the wall but as we go chapter by chapter it will all start to make sense. I am "tuned in", now some of you may be thinking what does "tuned in" mean, well my expression is based on experience. When you really get to discover who you are, and get to know yourself really well. To such a degree that you can watch yourself from a distance and almost predict what will be the next move.
I am 31 the prime of my life, or so I think. After all there is no time like the present. I am finding it awfully challenging to move myself from my comfort zone into what I know will be the most exciting journey of my life. I am currently "stuck" in a career and feel some days like I wake up on the same day every day. Does anyone out there feel like this?
So here is the plan, I am going to land the most awesome exciting job as an offshore excursions manager on a cruise linear doing the Caribbean islands. My instinct has always led me to believe this. So I have put my intention into the universe and will keep you posted.
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