It has taken me a while to get back to this as I have been to pre occupied by "judgment" by that I mean, what will others think? The other is well I have just been to lazy, I have told myself many times I should write about that or this but somehow deep down there has been a knowing that this time will return and it has. It is very strange but I can feel things before they happen, it is strange but like the oceans current changing. I will admit that to a certain extent I have been in denial as that is how one "copes" sometimes for it to "ok" in your world!
Three big things for me, well the best word I can use to describe it is "change management". Either I want to keep a change at bay or I want to bring it on and welcome it into my life as quickly and fully as possible. Then there is the time element of patience which I have not yet mastered. Thirdly the "feelings" through my intuition and intelligent, through my heart and my head & attempting to interpret the signs and signals I see all around me! Hey and of course the big thing to my disadvantage is HORMONES!!
The challenge and change is traveling and working on cruse liner is a hot climate, now I have the certificate in International Hotel Operations, have spend a small fortune of enriching Royal Mails shares by sending CV's hand delivered to agencies, ships followed by emails and follow up letters and calls to the US, well thank goodness the time zones give me the chance to that after hours as they are 5 hours behind us! Amongst all this in your face the globe seems to be hit by the aftermath of many irresponsible individuals which seemed to have lost the meaning of appreciation, respect and fulfillment and letting what we know as "ego" getting in the way.
Now being the positive, optimistic person I am walked around in denial thinking oh this will not "affect" me.......what this has many meaning! Ask yourself this question, how has the current global situation directly affected me?
The way it has affected me is for one I knew along time ago I am not living my life purpose, my passion I am allowing "external forces" to control me by what society says I "should be doing"........however I for what ever reason have chosen to do this and the beauty is "choice" as all I have to is change me choices.
I chose to walk out of my marriage just about 2 years ago because I felt it was not serving my "higher purpose" I did not "feel" this was fulfilling me as I was constantly frustrated, doubtful, angry, tired, unappreciated, disappointed and most of all alone! No team work, communication, sharing etc. Don't get me wrong there were good times but I had made a promise to myself and one thing I knew it not matter HOW challenging this one I would see through and gosh had the road been an interesting one of discovery ..........getting to know "who you really are" is the best discovery ever.
At one point I thought my friend and family are going think "what is wrong with her she has not found another man, or moved on" I made the choice that I did not want to move from the frying pan into the fire and believe it is unfair to take your baggage along into someones life who most probably has some baggage as well.
So the final part of "de bagging" is divorce..........not what I call "hot air" words are easy. Action however is what follows the thought and then the feeling.
In the midst of all this going on another heart stung is being pulled with arrival of Mother and the "responsibility" of sharing yourself in many ways. So big sister will lead the way and arranges one the rooms which a house mate pays for but is never here for Mom to sublet for 3 months at a reduced rent which will be subsidized by children being me and my brother Duck. As not family matters ever are simple and straight forward - communication between male and female and being brother and sister lets just says wires get crossed from time to time. However amongst all this I am ever so grateful to have my family around, hey and best part is when you come home from work and mom has made peas soup or a stew and it the middle of winter and all your laundry is neatly piled on your bed. That is what I call a mothers love! Definitely a acts of service love language!
It has been extremely challenging to learn "non interference" being the older sister that thinks she knows it all is difficult as you cannot help yourself you just want step in and take control, fix it and take over when you realize the only way your brother or anyone can learn is by their own mistake all you can do is be their and be supportive in what ever way that might be.
Having met Jane a single mom from Zimbabwe with Alecia whom is almost 3 has make me see how challenging parenthood really is, I suppose we all have that "natural ability" to be parents as we do it with one around us the only difference you can leave when have had enough.
How often do you ask yourself, why am I feeling the way I feel. Most of time it is when you are experience a "negative emotion" the reason I bring this up is I have experience something of late that was totally unexpected I am still not quiet sure what it all means but think I have an idea.
It is all about acceptance. A former boss once told me that is first stage of healing! Now as I am writing thing it suddenly makes senses, gosh as I said in the beginning about denial well I finally get it. All this time I have almost convinced myself that I was fine! I finally understand when people say well you know you do not get over a 14 year relationship in a heartbeat!
I started feeling really low about 2 weeks ago and initially believed all the negativity of the globe is starting to having an affect on me not matter how I try and stop it. Well with work when you are constantly rejected by people all day hey must have some kind of negative affect when all you get is how can we cut costs, it is about cost, not quality or service the cheapest is what will do and in my business that is the last thing one needs to hear, well constantly! Then suddenly I started doing a little reflecting and thinking hey do not take this personally but there are some days when you just cannot help it, the sky is grey, you struggle to find the energy to get out bed, then the task of deciding what to wear, the traffic, running late and then BEING REJECTED all day! Well the music helps, being aware of nature while stopped at a traffic light, just being grateful for being alive, healthy and having my family and cosy bed and delicious food and just being grateful for I do have the company is great they do looking after me. Yes I pay for the benefit of company car but it is the way I like it pay and drive! To just appreciate my easy broadband, with mobile broadband, and all the IT gadgets I could possibly need to make this world we live it a bit easier, but again one can get "attached" to things, outcomes, jobs, peoples for the wrong reasons.
As I stare out into the garden the new shoots on the trees are an indication that the season shift has started, and it is a time for new beginnings and revived friendships! Well how bizarre but yet again the proof of my guardian angel answering my prayer goes back to the title...........as I was longing for the day for the phone to ring and see Eddette's name and catch up and today was that day and best and happiest moment I have experienced since Xmas. I am internally grateful for things I have learn't and the precious opportunity of true friendship! Now before I start beating myself up I promised that I would spend the rest of afternoon doing what I am trying to avoid the most but I know it will make me feel fantastic once it is done and that is "work" filing, and reports and preparing for the week ahead and BEST part is I have Friday off and preparing for night out with Eddette and Frants well............to be continued...............
