Looking in the rearview mirror of life

LOOK BACK.....WHAT DO I SEE?

TODAY 1 FEBRUARY - This day means quiet a few things, but most importantly is I am slowly coming into contact with something I have been yearning for and that is myself.  

Last weekend I experienced something rather scary.  I simply did not recognise myself, by that I mean the way I felt.  I just felt like a dead plank inside, nothing would shift my mood I felt like it was the end of the world.  To be honest it has never been that bad however it has been a LONG time looking at the date of my writing 1 year and 1 month ago.........and it has suddenly just dawned on me to look back and ask myself where was I  in my life at that time?

I was working at a tutor at a local college and was in my 13th month and 3rd position looking for change and that is when I made the decision to look for another job and go back into field sales and find the opportunity to earn money again.  Let me tell you it has not been that simple AT ALL , in fact right now it feels like the longest year on my life and  almost as trying as 2011 but only this time my health has paid the price.

I set out to get back into the corporate world, to earn money and stick it out one year no matter what.  So all I can say is I am one very committed person despite the circumstances I have faced this past year and now faced with a very different set of choices and decisions to make. I wonder why I have put myself through this?  Why I ask this question is purely because I have extremely concerned with they way I've been feeling, like I lost a part of myself, the motivation, drive, ambition - I use to ask myself what happened to that Karen that use to sit for hours building her own website from Utube and library books for hours and days, I just could not find that determination inside my soul but looking back I have noticed two occasions when it has appeared and that was after taking 5 days annual leave and not thinking about work and relaxing.  

Surprise surprise last night I went to bed saying to myself "hey I feel so happy and alive wow this is amazing"  I've woken up this morning feeling even better.  My nephew has just walked past and said Good Morning and as I looked up I noticed the blue sky and said to him I wonder if that is why I feel better, then suddenly thought but there was no sun last night???   I am trying to identify what has made the change?  

Last Monday it suddenly dawned on me during my 2 and half hour drive to the office how long it was.  I just felt half dead by 11am and a colleague said to me "you look drained"......we then went into a meeting when my boss said to me "Karen, I know you live far away but any orders you get you will have to drive them into the office" well the thought of that almost sent me over the edge!  I found myself breaking down, getting tearful and finally breaking down......I was sent home and took days out!

I went to the doctor who brought to my attention that I was showing signed of physical stress.  I was waking up at 3am most nights and feeling  exhausted even after begin in bed most of the weekend!  So I got myself off to the gym and did a gentle workout, and thought I'd better start taking care of myself or I would land up depressed and although I felt like I was I knew deep down I can and I will get myself out of the hole!  

Being the end of the year and month and all the changes and adjustments there are signs that my hard work is starting to pay off.  I feel hopeful with a new year, new opportunities and chance to earn some commission and new pay plan and a goal!

First quarter is going to get all I have and it is either going to work or not!  What has been working in the background is the option and plan for the first time in 11 years to go back to Cape Town........home!!!  Well last Monday while driving home I was ready to get on the plane but deep down I knew that was rather irrational!  Who know it might not happen either but a decision has been made, a goal is set and actions towards my well being is what has made me feel better.  Going for a massage was only part of the treatment plan - I cannot recommend it enough - please say "I don't have time or money" well I used my credit card and believe it was worth ever single penny!

Smoothies, eating well, cooking, exercise, rest and support has all contributed to this.

I suddenly decided to take a bit of my own medicine and evaluate my life!

As a personal development Coach and Trainer even I use my treatment as can speak from personal experience and clients often say it is so nice to hear that I can really empathise.

So I would really encourage you to take a look at your life and ask yourself a few important questions about your happiness!!!