Detachment

I am still studing the feeling within me as I am at peace. It has been 8 months since I spoke to Greg and while wrapping the Xmas presents the past memories were flowing as there are many occasions and times I will catch myself doing something and thinking back of when we were together and how certain situations got out of hand or just going over good memories. I suppose I was just reflecting on my growth as I remember one xmas we had a huge disagreement about me spending £200 on presents and just shopping on my own in my own zone!

It is weird how one looks back to analize what was going on at that stage in your life and how and why you behaved the way you did. I know we as humans all have weaknesses and I am starting to slowly understand how easy one can get attached to something for false comfort. As many know I used money, call it an addition, obsession, comfort zone what ever......I think the lesson for me is that having it all makes one lazy, at least that is what I found you do not have to constant challenge yourself to think ok how can I use this wisely and making the most of what you have in stead of just having it. The word that springs to mind is MEANING....how many times have you recieved a gift for an occasion and you just know when that person has not put much effort into it, it was just for the sake!

Going down to a deeper level is I for some reason needed to feel "recongised" or accepted and I do honestly love giving and that is one of my love languages but one cannot buy love. I am trying different tackicks and am getting use to the idea of putting myself first, well from a psycological point the realationship always make me believe I was shelfish, or rather I was told that enough times to believe it, when everyone else around dissagreeed. I found myself going to Next after the bank as I wanted to see if the top I bought previous was still there and in a different colour as it is not often I buy a piece of clothing and you fall in love with it and think I should have bought 2 or 3, for some reason on that morning I was more focus and concerned about furfilling my own needs whereas in the past I would be more focus on pleasing others and getting the xmas shopping done first.

Now I am sure many other woman can relate to this going underwear shopping can be a mission (especially the trying on bit) for me I have to be in the mood! I browse can my eyes can scan the texture and quality and my intution will say YES that bra looks like it will do the trick!! Now this does NOT happen often so when it does I know just get it! So I had the delema of saying OK I have Debenhams vouchers and my intention was to save them for underwear but when I walked into Next number 2 to look for that top they had changed the layout of the shop and there they were these sexy sets of bra's and g strings saying .......try me!! So I always believe if they have my size they were meant to be....so yes rare again to find the great style, quality, colour and size at this point I thought ok Lee could do with a set after all she does not have a very creative man in her life that would make her feel special and treat her to a sexy set of underwear, and it was so strange that we were sitting in the lounge the other day and for some odd reason I just bluttered out - Madam what is your bra size and Alec's face look at me in shock and said that was rather random! So obviously my psyic abilities are there I just need to master them.

Anyway getting back to detachment well it is with money and I spoke to Greg just to say Merry Xmas and I am trying to find the words to describe how it feels, but it does not feel if that makes any senses. That attachement feeling is just not there anymore and what is even more surprising is I really look back at the whole situation and feel a sense of relief and peace! I suppose I was still thinking allot before we spoke and was wondering how he was feeling and was not to sure how I was feeling, except that I realise that all I miss is being with someone at times but not with him and I get so much love, peace and more from all friends and family and the occasional waiter! Somehow my angels make sure I have destractions. I think what I have grown attach to and something Greg and I agreed on was our new peaceful lives which were consistant! As while we were together nothing but consitant emotion and mental chaos!

I have been pretty consitant as I have not moved home or jobs in the past 2 years but I have grown, mattured spirtually and about to embark on a move out my comfort zone of the rat race! I just need to be stimulated and need a challenge and change of scenry.

Am really looking forward to winter wonderland and to see my dear friends Nadine, Christine and JeanMarie as well Eddette & Frants!