Be careful what you wish for.......because YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY GET IT!

It has taken me a while to get back to this as I have been to pre occupied by "judgment" by that I mean, what will others think? The other is well I have just been to lazy, I have told myself many times I should write about that or this but somehow deep down there has been a knowing that this time will return and it has. It is very strange but I can feel things before they happen, it is strange but like the oceans current changing. I will admit that to a certain extent I have been in denial as that is how one "copes" sometimes for it to "ok" in your world!

Three big things for me, well the best word I can use to describe it is "change management". Either I want to keep a change at bay or I want to bring it on and welcome it into my life as quickly and fully as possible. Then there is the time element of patience which I have not yet mastered. Thirdly the "feelings" through my intuition and intelligent, through my heart and my head & attempting to interpret the signs and signals I see all around me! Hey and of course the big thing to my disadvantage is HORMONES!!

The challenge and change is traveling and working on cruse liner is a hot climate, now I have the certificate in International Hotel Operations, have spend a small fortune of enriching Royal Mails shares by sending CV's hand delivered to agencies, ships followed by emails and follow up letters and calls to the US, well thank goodness the time zones give me the chance to that after hours as they are 5 hours behind us! Amongst all this in your face the globe seems to be hit by the aftermath of many irresponsible individuals which seemed to have lost the meaning of appreciation, respect and fulfillment and letting what we know as "ego" getting in the way.

Now being the positive, optimistic person I am walked around in denial thinking oh this will not "affect" me.......what this has many meaning! Ask yourself this question, how has the current global situation directly affected me?

The way it has affected me is for one I knew along time ago I am not living my life purpose, my passion I am allowing "external forces" to control me by what society says I "should be doing"........however I for what ever reason have chosen to do this and the beauty is "choice" as all I have to is change me choices.

I chose to walk out of my marriage just about 2 years ago because I felt it was not serving my "higher purpose" I did not "feel" this was fulfilling me as I was constantly frustrated, doubtful, angry, tired, unappreciated, disappointed and most of all alone! No team work, communication, sharing etc. Don't get me wrong there were good times but I had made a promise to myself and one thing I knew it not matter HOW challenging this one I would see through and gosh had the road been an interesting one of discovery ..........getting to know "who you really are" is the best discovery ever.

At one point I thought my friend and family are going think "what is wrong with her she has not found another man, or moved on" I made the choice that I did not want to move from the frying pan into the fire and believe it is unfair to take your baggage along into someones life who most probably has some baggage as well.

So the final part of "de bagging" is divorce..........not what I call "hot air" words are easy. Action however is what follows the thought and then the feeling.

In the midst of all this going on another heart stung is being pulled with arrival of Mother and the "responsibility" of sharing yourself in many ways. So big sister will lead the way and arranges one the rooms which a house mate pays for but is never here for Mom to sublet for 3 months at a reduced rent which will be subsidized by children being me and my brother Duck. As not family matters ever are simple and straight forward - communication between male and female and being brother and sister lets just says wires get crossed from time to time. However amongst all this I am ever so grateful to have my family around, hey and best part is when you come home from work and mom has made peas soup or a stew and it the middle of winter and all your laundry is neatly piled on your bed. That is what I call a mothers love! Definitely a acts of service love language!


It has been extremely challenging to learn "non interference" being the older sister that thinks she knows it all is difficult as you cannot help yourself you just want step in and take control, fix it and take over when you realize the only way your brother or anyone can learn is by their own mistake all you can do is be their and be supportive in what ever way that might be.

Having met Jane a single mom from Zimbabwe with Alecia whom is almost 3 has make me see how challenging parenthood really is, I suppose we all have that "natural ability" to be parents as we do it with one around us the only difference you can leave when have had enough.

How often do you ask yourself, why am I feeling the way I feel. Most of time it is when you are experience a "negative emotion" the reason I bring this up is I have experience something of late that was totally unexpected I am still not quiet sure what it all means but think I have an idea.

It is all about acceptance. A former boss once told me that is first stage of healing! Now as I am writing thing it suddenly makes senses, gosh as I said in the beginning about denial well I finally get it. All this time I have almost convinced myself that I was fine! I finally understand when people say well you know you do not get over a 14 year relationship in a heartbeat!

I started feeling really low about 2 weeks ago and initially believed all the negativity of the globe is starting to having an affect on me not matter how I try and stop it. Well with work when you are constantly rejected by people all day hey must have some kind of negative affect when all you get is how can we cut costs, it is about cost, not quality or service the cheapest is what will do and in my business that is the last thing one needs to hear, well constantly! Then suddenly I started doing a little reflecting and thinking hey do not take this personally but there are some days when you just cannot help it, the sky is grey, you struggle to find the energy to get out bed, then the task of deciding what to wear, the traffic, running late and then BEING REJECTED all day! Well the music helps, being aware of nature while stopped at a traffic light, just being grateful for being alive, healthy and having my family and cosy bed and delicious food and just being grateful for I do have the company is great they do looking after me. Yes I pay for the benefit of company car but it is the way I like it pay and drive! To just appreciate my easy broadband, with mobile broadband, and all the IT gadgets I could possibly need to make this world we live it a bit easier, but again one can get "attached" to things, outcomes, jobs, peoples for the wrong reasons.

As I stare out into the garden the new shoots on the trees are an indication that the season shift has started, and it is a time for new beginnings and revived friendships! Well how bizarre but yet again the proof of my guardian angel answering my prayer goes back to the title...........as I was longing for the day for the phone to ring and see Eddette's name and catch up and today was that day and best and happiest moment I have experienced since Xmas. I am internally grateful for things I have learn't and the precious opportunity of true friendship! Now before I start beating myself up I promised that I would spend the rest of afternoon doing what I am trying to avoid the most but I know it will make me feel fantastic once it is done and that is "work" filing, and reports and preparing for the week ahead and BEST part is I have Friday off and preparing for night out with Eddette and Frants well............to be continued...............

Detachment

I am still studing the feeling within me as I am at peace. It has been 8 months since I spoke to Greg and while wrapping the Xmas presents the past memories were flowing as there are many occasions and times I will catch myself doing something and thinking back of when we were together and how certain situations got out of hand or just going over good memories. I suppose I was just reflecting on my growth as I remember one xmas we had a huge disagreement about me spending £200 on presents and just shopping on my own in my own zone!

It is weird how one looks back to analize what was going on at that stage in your life and how and why you behaved the way you did. I know we as humans all have weaknesses and I am starting to slowly understand how easy one can get attached to something for false comfort. As many know I used money, call it an addition, obsession, comfort zone what ever......I think the lesson for me is that having it all makes one lazy, at least that is what I found you do not have to constant challenge yourself to think ok how can I use this wisely and making the most of what you have in stead of just having it. The word that springs to mind is MEANING....how many times have you recieved a gift for an occasion and you just know when that person has not put much effort into it, it was just for the sake!

Going down to a deeper level is I for some reason needed to feel "recongised" or accepted and I do honestly love giving and that is one of my love languages but one cannot buy love. I am trying different tackicks and am getting use to the idea of putting myself first, well from a psycological point the realationship always make me believe I was shelfish, or rather I was told that enough times to believe it, when everyone else around dissagreeed. I found myself going to Next after the bank as I wanted to see if the top I bought previous was still there and in a different colour as it is not often I buy a piece of clothing and you fall in love with it and think I should have bought 2 or 3, for some reason on that morning I was more focus and concerned about furfilling my own needs whereas in the past I would be more focus on pleasing others and getting the xmas shopping done first.

Now I am sure many other woman can relate to this going underwear shopping can be a mission (especially the trying on bit) for me I have to be in the mood! I browse can my eyes can scan the texture and quality and my intution will say YES that bra looks like it will do the trick!! Now this does NOT happen often so when it does I know just get it! So I had the delema of saying OK I have Debenhams vouchers and my intention was to save them for underwear but when I walked into Next number 2 to look for that top they had changed the layout of the shop and there they were these sexy sets of bra's and g strings saying .......try me!! So I always believe if they have my size they were meant to be....so yes rare again to find the great style, quality, colour and size at this point I thought ok Lee could do with a set after all she does not have a very creative man in her life that would make her feel special and treat her to a sexy set of underwear, and it was so strange that we were sitting in the lounge the other day and for some odd reason I just bluttered out - Madam what is your bra size and Alec's face look at me in shock and said that was rather random! So obviously my psyic abilities are there I just need to master them.

Anyway getting back to detachment well it is with money and I spoke to Greg just to say Merry Xmas and I am trying to find the words to describe how it feels, but it does not feel if that makes any senses. That attachement feeling is just not there anymore and what is even more surprising is I really look back at the whole situation and feel a sense of relief and peace! I suppose I was still thinking allot before we spoke and was wondering how he was feeling and was not to sure how I was feeling, except that I realise that all I miss is being with someone at times but not with him and I get so much love, peace and more from all friends and family and the occasional waiter! Somehow my angels make sure I have destractions. I think what I have grown attach to and something Greg and I agreed on was our new peaceful lives which were consistant! As while we were together nothing but consitant emotion and mental chaos!

I have been pretty consitant as I have not moved home or jobs in the past 2 years but I have grown, mattured spirtually and about to embark on a move out my comfort zone of the rat race! I just need to be stimulated and need a challenge and change of scenry.

Am really looking forward to winter wonderland and to see my dear friends Nadine, Christine and JeanMarie as well Eddette & Frants!

Friends & Family

How grateful I am to have firstly my family and the most amazing friends as being Xmas is a special time to celebrate together. Well it is the first year that I really put planning on the back seat, firstly I worked right up to 24th with serious senior management strategies for 2009 I did not really have time to think of much more!

Woke up at my leisure on Wednesday 24th December, all I HAD to do was go to the bank as I had £100 in "bankspace" as I had deposited it via the ATM on the 15th and the money was still not showing. As a part of me was dreading the hectic last minute shoppers I was rather surprised as I felt rather calm driving into town and being blessed by the parking fairies to escort me to a bay right outside the front door of the bank and an extra bonus was I parked in the pink zone, which is 25p a hour so got my Xmas discount bonus from the fairies to.

I approached the "enquires" desk and smiled and explained my situation and handed over my deposit slip the assistant ran off to the "accounts" department to confirm they had in fact found my money. With other banks one normally gets a receipt from the ATM to pop into the envelope with your deposit but this one prints your details on the envelope. Thinking back now I think I slid the envelope into the slot "up side down" perhaps that could be the reason it did not print? I thanked the assistant and pointed out to her my concern that it was in fact a bank error and what was I to expect with the charges for going over my limit which is the reason I had attempted a deposit in the first place. She looked up at me chewing what appeared to be a quick bite she grabbed while running off to the accounts dept of her lunch which whiffed of "beakcorn bites" how unprofessional. She tried assuring me that it will be taken care of however only head office deal with queries. Her hand disappeared under desk and out it came with a compliment slip which she started scribbling on trying to repeat the whole story I had just explained, I asked why she could not just put a note on my account, she replied yes I will. I thought well I better shut up as I am clearly not dealing with someone who uses common sense. What do you think will happen with a compliment slip on Christmas eve? Oh she said one last thing just keep an eye out on your account in case they charge you!! I thought what is the point. Sometimes I think I should write a idiot's guide of customer service!

Lets get back to Xmas shopping well I went over to the local centre near where I lived and was able to go to Tescos, Boots and Clinton's and get a few things and leave with more bags than excepted but spend very little! Got home to do the wrapping on 1 bottle of bubble bath at time etc.......

We had Xmas at Lee's house, my brothers wife and Mom was there as she had to pick Donny my bro up as his car was kapoot! Alec, my nephew was bathing Jojo the playful kings Charles cavalier, the joy of our lives always happy to see you what ever the weather is doing! We were all clock watching and anxiously waiting for midnight to open our gifts.........we filled our tummies with pork sausages, home made peanut sauce and chicken and all sorts of little breads and cheeses and then huddled around the television to watch Narnia what a great movie then the clock struck twelve and Jojo suddenly knew then was excitement in the air and was overwhelmed by all the enthusiasm in the room as her name was called and began scratching and chewing and battling her way thought the wrapping. It was really great the moment of just watching the expression on everyone faces with appreciation and enjoyment of just being together. The sounds of laughter and banter amongst all is so homely.

Gratitude!

I am so grateful for my life! Even more so now that I know it can be a matter of weeks and I will be on a ship fulfilling my dream to travel! Most mornings I awake with the feeling of my 100% cotton sheets and down duvet and thank the lord for the fact I can have a warm shower and hot filtered coffee and eat what I feel like and really appreciate the freedom I have with my time after all I am my own boss in every way personally and professionally. Now that I have about 15 CV's applications in cyber space and over the oceans......the anxiety is starting to kick in.

So today I was excited about getting the 8 new Zealand chops out the freezer and made a delicious lunch and spent time with my family. So strange my Mom takes 7 years to decide to finally come and stay in the UK and next thing I am planning to travel!

I am a lady of comfort so I am wondering how I will deal with certain aspects of life on board....when I got home last night after being treated to a grand dinner at La Tasca with my family and had wine, champagne and shots.....got home feeling tired and tipsy and thought how I am going to deal with permanent partying at the crew bar!! Well what I know for sure is it will not kill me and the mind has strange way of inventing things that when they occur are never as bad. That has helped me to take the challenge of giving up a well paid career and joining the ship world!

Took a SHIP TEST online ....got 50% so need to brush up on the terminology but if I could go to college for one year every weekend and hold down a full time job, move home, leave my ex and do case studies and exams over Xmas and new year then hell anything is possible.

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is NOT SPENDING WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE! I am very blessed to have the friends I do that are assisting me manage my financial portfolio, I think this will be one of the most challenging Xmas's I will ever have but know I have my guardian angels looking over me and I know my prayers will be answered which I will share with you once I know more.

My mom got me the coolest B'Day pressie, it is a laptop portable table which is from the famous IKEA and now it goes with me everywhere.

It is credit crunch.....but hey it is not going to stop me jumping ship!! LOL

Excitment of Xmas holidays!

It is a chilly Saturday afternoon and I've decided to take time out for myself. Just some time to reflect on all the things I am grateful for, like having my family here as I know soon I will be away from them for a number of months. My special friends, I am thinking about joining friends in Wimbledon on boxing day.  Great food, conversation, enjoyment and laughter is what we all need for the our souls!!

Last weekend Lee (my sister in law)  and I were hosting a stand at the Holistic Fayre in Leighton Buzzard and we had a great day. Met an amazing lady Ann O'Have who is 75 but looks 56 I gave her a neck massage and she gave me some healing. I knelt down in from of her and she put her hands over my shoulders and her hands started shacking me, appartently the spiritual guides works through her. The only way I can explain it was that the negative energy was been rattled out of me. After a couple of minutes her hands got really warm and it felt like I was rushing on ecstasy! Afterwards Ann said she had heard that expression many times.  She also confirmed that my guardian angel is the top chief red indian.

It is so weird as I have always been drawn to their spiritual beliefs. I once saw a film, cannot remember the name but Anthony Hopkins and Indians were in it they were stranded somewhere in the mountains........that is the day I knew they were my guardian angels.

A little later I was chatting away to Phil one the mediums and said "how do I really know you are a medium and how does it work" so he asked me what I was really passionate about...I paused and said "massage" then he asked to name the first name that pops into my head, a country he said, then held my hand I said Kenya......then he rattled off for about 2 minutes describing me to the T.  Lee was standing next to me,  and was trying to hold her jaw from failing on the floor! He said things that no stranger would know....like the challenges I was and am facing with my Mom, he confirm like others have in the past that I have physic abilities and my guardian angel was standing on my right, very old very deep dark eyes! Well that was me done in tears felt so happy!